Tuesday, June 30, 2009

46 and Yearning

Born a Poet, 6.5 x 4.5"

Yes, it is still June, but I have already turned my calendar to July. My birthday month.

Birthdays are no longer the joyous occasions they were when I was a child. Actually, they were quite fun until I turned 30. At 30, I was not freaked out about aging. I was freaked out about where I was in my life. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. At 29, I was in a pretty good spot. I was doing computer graphics for an environmental company outside of Washington D.C. I was creating 300 slides for my company’s presentation in China. I had moved up from being a “word processor” typing in a room with 3 others to having my own office, and well, moving on up. I turned 30, the company was cutting back, and suddenly I was being informed that I would be assisting the receptionist, processing the mail, and making travel plans for those who actually got to go out into the world. WTF. I was NOT going to go backwards at the age of 30. So I quit. To do what, I didn’t know.

And almost 16 years later, I still do not know. Did I end up going backwards? Or was it sideways? Whichever way I went, I am apparently still going in that direction.

I want to write positive things on my blog. People seem to like that. When I’m positive, I blog a great deal. When I’m not, I don’t. Hence, my being quiet for the past few days. And now here comes July, my birthday, the time to evaluate my accomplishments over the past year. I won’t be going into that here. Part of the plan to keep this blog positive.

When I was in college, I yearned to get out into the world and make my mark. When I turned 30 and quit my job, I yearned to do something creative. Now that I am doing something creative, I yearn to make a living from it. I wish someone could get paid for yearning. But that is not the way the world works.

What am I going to do with the last half of my life? Yeah, the last half (or should I say second half). Whatever. It’s half over. I’m a half-empty-glass sort of person. I’m thinking that if you took a poll on how long people wanted to live, most would say 90. So here I am, going on over to 46 in a few days. It sounds, and feels, much different that 45.

What do I want for my birthday? I want a human GPS system. I want a firm, but friendly, vaguely British sounding woman to tell me to go 5.4 miles and take a left. When I accidentally blow past this turn, I want to hear the word “recalculating.” Then I want new instructions. I feel aimless. Actually, I feel like one of those cartoon characters that is heading off in a certain direction, where up ahead and out of sight, brickmasons are rapidly building a wall. And you know this character is going to walk right into it. Sigh.

My small goal this week, is to complete two more smallish pieces for the show next week. Yesterday I finished off four more of the teeny bird pieces. When this is done, I will take some time and do some yearning and see if I can find some direction. I’ve thought about adding some maps to my work. Perhaps this will help.

And now for some YouTube nostalgia, here’s a song from my college yearning days.


Susan said...

Ahhhh, yes Kim you are turning 46 and I promise you it is not much different to being 45. We seem to be wearing the same pair of shoes. I also yearn to be creative and would like someday to earn an income from it. But don't fret Kim, look around at your life. You are blessed with a loving husband, a beautiful daughter and the freedom to create what is in your heart. 46 is just another number in the game of life.
Psss.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY.... (a bit early though)


Ellen said...

I have this on my IPod!. I saw them twice in concert in the days when I too, was young, hopeful and wanted to take on the world. What's the old saying - "age ain't nothin' but a number".

Sounds like you DID reach some of your goals, wanting to do something creative at 30 and now you are. If we reach our goals, we just make more and still yearn.

And yes! how I would love a life GPS system, how brilliant! Although, I'm wondering if many times it would just tell me to stop, be still, just take it all in and enjoy myself no matter where I was.

Happy early birthday too!

Jo James said...

That song! I was instantly 16 again.

The where-you're-supposed-to-be's in life have gotten me down upon occasion as well. I remind myself to stop "should-ing" all over myself when the supposed-to's rear their ugly, non-productive, negative heads. And as far as birthday's go, my uncle always says, "Consider the alternative." :)

Happy Birthday!

Kim Hambric said...

Susan, Ellen, Jo, thanks so much for your comments. I'm a lucky person. I'm not old. Really. I feel young and spry (but that's an old person's word). I could be dead, in prison, or working in a coal mine.

deb said...

take it from this british sounding woman, you sound like you are right on track, and happy b'day!!

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Yearning is a great thing to feel...hope you find the time and place to write yourself to the brick wall...then a new idea or plan. Maybe the evaluation could be postponed here in July until maybe January? Happy Birthday right where you are today!

jason said...

Ah...so much of what you write there I can empathize with
And July's my birth month too! 24 days till the dreaded (?) day for me.

The days leading up to ones birthday are supposed to always be kind of bad....low ebb... Astrologically speaking at least, from what I've read.
The sun is going through your 12 house, a dark, introspective place.
I know this time of the year is always bad for me....is now too, in fact.
I (at least try to) take comfort in that it usually passes after the big day.
Aaaaaaanyway, I'm wishing you a very happy early birth month just the same! :)

ArtPropelled said...

Yes, birthdays have the same effect on me. When I hit 50 I woke up with such a bump because i hadn't even begun all the ideas I had been storing for "one day". The shock spurred me into action!

I love your latest bird pieces. They are enchanting.

Ann Marie said...

Hi Kim! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Ah the aging process. I'll be 45 in September, and am having some of the same feelings you are. I'm embarking on a whole new career at middle age! Crazy? Maybe, maybe not. Enjoy your birthday month! :)

Rita Vindedzis said...

You don't mention exactly when your birthday is in July so I'm assuming you're a Cancer like me. We Cancer's can be awfully hard on ourselves sometimes. I know yearning well as I spent most of my teen years and now my early fifties yearning. Hope you find what you're yearning for sooner than later. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!