46 and Yearning

Born a Poet, 6.5 x 4.5"

Yes, it is still June, but I have already turned my calendar to July. My birthday month.

Birthdays are no longer the joyous occasions they were when I was a child. Actually, they were quite fun until I turned 30. At 30, I was not freaked out about aging. I was freaked out about where I was in my life. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. At 29, I was in a pretty good spot. I was doing computer graphics for an environmental company outside of Washington D.C. I was creating 300 slides for my company’s presentation in China. I had moved up from being a “word processor” typing in a room with 3 others to having my own office, and well, moving on up. I turned 30, the company was cutting back, and suddenly I was being informed that I would be assisting the receptionist, processing the mail, and making travel plans for those who actually got to go out into the world. WTF. I was NOT going to go backwards at the age of 30. So I quit. To do what, I didn’t know.

And almost 16 years later, I still do not know. Did I end up going backwards? Or was it sideways? Whichever way I went, I am apparently still going in that direction.

I want to write positive things on my blog. People seem to like that. When I’m positive, I blog a great deal. When I’m not, I don’t. Hence, my being quiet for the past few days. And now here comes July, my birthday, the time to evaluate my accomplishments over the past year. I won’t be going into that here. Part of the plan to keep this blog positive.

When I was in college, I yearned to get out into the world and make my mark. When I turned 30 and quit my job, I yearned to do something creative. Now that I am doing something creative, I yearn to make a living from it. I wish someone could get paid for yearning. But that is not the way the world works.

What am I going to do with the last half of my life? Yeah, the last half (or should I say second half). Whatever. It’s half over. I’m a half-empty-glass sort of person. I’m thinking that if you took a poll on how long people wanted to live, most would say 90. So here I am, going on over to 46 in a few days. It sounds, and feels, much different that 45.

What do I want for my birthday? I want a human GPS system. I want a firm, but friendly, vaguely British sounding woman to tell me to go 5.4 miles and take a left. When I accidentally blow past this turn, I want to hear the word “recalculating.” Then I want new instructions. I feel aimless. Actually, I feel like one of those cartoon characters that is heading off in a certain direction, where up ahead and out of sight, brickmasons are rapidly building a wall. And you know this character is going to walk right into it. Sigh.

My small goal this week, is to complete two more smallish pieces for the show next week. Yesterday I finished off four more of the teeny bird pieces. When this is done, I will take some time and do some yearning and see if I can find some direction. I’ve thought about adding some maps to my work. Perhaps this will help.

And now for some YouTube nostalgia, here’s a song from my college yearning days.